Microsoft Designing Combat Helmet Capable Of Blinding 1,000 Soldiers At Once

REDMOND, WA — Microsoft announced this week that it will be sending its embattled augmented reality combat headset back to the drawing board. The new aim? A more powerful version capable of blinding a staggering 1,000 soldiers at once.

The original Integrated Visual Augmentation System headsets had yielded underwhelming results, with reports indicating less than 5% of test users experienced eye damage. "You know the classic IT joke: 'Did you try turning it off and back on again?' These headsets just turn themselves off repeatedly as if running for cover from their own dismal performance," CEO Satya Nadella admitted during an internal meeting. "That’s why we will spare no expense in developing a power rig that truly delivers robust numbers of damage, making users fervently wish for an escape."

For the new model, Microsoft’s board has approved a budget-busting allocation of resources, diverting funds from hardware designed to regulate thermal emissions, cleverly dubbed "stag spacers." Production manager David Zapari justified this innovative assembly line decision, noting, "It's highly unlikely the finished product will ever need to be turned on."

"Why waste billions generating 13.2 gigawatts when warfighters already know their retinas will fry if they so much as glance at the strap?" he speculated. "At this point, we could just market these helmets as 'eye-catching' torture devices."

At publishing time, Meta's Mark Zuckerberg was reportedly attempting to obtain a prototype of Microsoft’s new blinding helmet to modify into his own "thing with nobody visible" hat.